Scar
by Alan Spencer
Summary: EMIYA finds his own self at the park, before the fire.


**Scar**

EMIYA had been here before.

He couldn't remember it, of course. This was something for a long, long time past. Before even the fire. And those memories had burned there. But something inside himself knew he had been here before, many times. He had smiled and laughed and played here, like a normal kid.

Also. He knew what this place was. Even after Kiritsugu had adopted him, he had gone here, where nothing remained. He had opened the door that didn't exist, walked through the hallway that didn't exist and smiled at the mother who wasn't there anymore. This was part of the burned down area, the one that hadn't been made into a park. That had just be left as it was.

He was here by pure chance. To begin with, he had carried on with that foolish hope inside his chest because it was the only thing that had kept him sane as a Counter Guardian, but the chances that he would have been summoned were low. And he hadn't been summoned by Rin, like he had thought was the only way, but by the serial killer who had been the master of Caster in the Fourth Holy Grail War. He had cut down that man where he stood, of course. And he had cut the ropes that bound the boy and told him to run. So now that he was free he had ran, he had ran for here.

He didn't understand how could it have happened. Certaintly, Gilles de Rais had been an anomaly who didn't even qualify as a Caster. But he had thought the only person who could summon it would be Rin, since he had a catalyst that connected him with her. Somehow, though, he had been summoned by that person. It was an unpleasant thought, but he could see the connection. After all, there was a thin line between a killer and an Ally Of Justice. If anything, he had killed more people than that man ever had.

This was where Emiya Shirou lived in before becoming Emiya Shirou. EMIYA had come here with the only though of killing him, but now that he was actually here, he felt more nostalgic that murderous. So, he allowed himself to just relax his body and his tired mind. Even if it was for only an instant. Then, he could just track down his past self and end it all. No matter what was the result… if he disappeared or not, everything would end right there.

The park was empty right now. It was early in the morning, so it was only natural. But even if it had been full to the brink, he would have heard the approaching footsteps. Idly, he looked at the approaching person from the corner of his eye… and froze. There was no mistake. It was him. Him. His hands clenched into fists. The boy came up to him, and stopped.

"Hey," he said, with a bright smile on his face. "Mister, that coat is so cool, and the armour thingy too. Where can I get one?"

"Why do you want one?" he should have projected Kanshou and Bakuya, and take his head off an instant. Two words. Just two words. Trace On. But what slipped out his mouth was something completely different.

"Because I'm going to become a Kamen Rider when I grow up, of course!"

"And why do you want to become one?" because they were cool. That would be his response, since he was merely like a seven year's old kid.

"Because..." his face turned serious. "Because they help people. Because when they are there, people who would have been hurt aren't. I want to become one to help many people, too. What else is there?"

So… he had always been like this. Even before the fire, he had been a young, idealistic fool. He simply wanted to help people like always. Even if the memory of it had burned down with everything else, that still didn't change that. The fire had took away his sense of self and he had been chained down with that ideal, but that desire had been born from deep down within him, before even that.

Should he tell this boy the truth, that he couldn't do it no matter how hard he tried? It was just how the world worked. An ideal was only an ideal, after all. As if you strive for it, the friction with reality would increase, and someday you would have to pay for your comprises. There was, without a doubt, a world out of there where Tohsaka Rin and Tohsaka Sakura had lived happily as sisters. There was a world where Matou Shinji had been twisted by his upbringing, and he had grown to be a good person. There also would be a world where Matou Zouken didn't lose his sanity as he strove for his impossible dream. There was a world in which Ilya had been able to lead a good life, and her life hadn't been cut short before it even truly begun. There would also naturally be a world all those things happened at the same time.

But even in the infinite swirl of the Kaleidoscope, there wasn't a single world where everybody was happy.

"You know," EMIYA idly said, looking up towards the bright blue sky. "When I was young, I wanted to become an Ally Of Justice."

"What do you meant wanted?" the boy exclaimed, outraged. "Did you give out?"

A single, familiar scenery closed in. Whose dream was that, and who inherited that dream?

"No. I never gave up, not even at the end. I became an Ally Of Justice, like I wished for so long."

"Oh! T-then teach me!"

"Listen carefully. Wanting to save everybody is just a convenient fantasy."

"W-what?" he sounded like he had been slapped.

"That's the simple truth. No matter how hard you try, there will be people who you just can't help. An Ally Of Justice can only save those he sides with. For an example, imagine a bank robbery with many hostages. Even if you pull a miracle and stop the robbery without killing anybody, there will a person who won't saved: the robber."

"But, it isn't that good? The robber is a criminal, so what's so bad about that?"

"It depends." memories of times like that flashed through his mind. "There are many people who don't commit crime because they felt like it, but because the circumstances didn't leave them another way out. Things are not so clear cut in reality as in those shows, boy. You're only human, and as such you have the limits of a human body and a human mind. You might be able to stop a robbery with none of the hostages getting killed once, but the next time people might be hurt or even killed. Is just the way there is. A miracle like that can't be kept up forever. You can't save everybody."

"… I understand. But even so, I don't care. They fail too. They fail and kept on striving, so I can do that, too. Is enough for me to help as many people as I can." those words… how he wished he himself would have accepted that. But it wasn't enough for him. Not at all. "Even you failed many times too, and you're striving even now, so I can't give up."

"...That's good." it was an answer filled with warm, said from the bottom of his heart.

Silence.

"What's wrong?" EMIYA asked.

"No, its nothing. I just though your voice sounded kind of like mine just now." that takes him aback. He… he hadn't even noticed.

"Maybe." he answered, with a wry smile. "Or maybe your imagination is too vivid."

"Yeah, maybe." Shirou let out a sheepish, but very cheerful laugh. "Then, will you help me, Mister?"

"...Sure."

"Oh, I forgot!" he exclaimed, and extend his hand towards him. EMIYA just stared. "My name is Yamada Shirou! What's yours?"

"Emiya Shirou." that was the only answer EMIYA could really give to him.

"You have same first name as me!" he sounds so excited. "This must be fate, or something!"

Saying those words idly, he laughs again.

"I'm sorry." Shirou said. "I have to go now so I won't be late. Will you meet me tomorrow at this park, too?"

So easy. It would be so easy to kill him. There was not even a single observer, even. There wasn't any reason to not cut him down right here.

"Sorry. I won't be able to do it for about ten days. Come to the park at this time in eleven days, and I will be there."

"Okay!" he said, nodding with enthusiasm. Shirou turned his back to him, and ran. He waved to him without turning his head back. "See you later, Mister!"

EMIYA simply watched him go, until he vanished from his sight. He didn't want to kill him. He turned his head away, and stared back at the endless blue sky. He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He had waited so long for this. The hope of erasing himself from existence had been the only thing that had kept him sane as a Counter Guardian. And, just like that, he had let the boy slip away from him. Heroic Spirit EMIYA would forever curse this decision. But still…

He had his answer now. He knew what he had to do. He would save that boy, the normal happiness of Yamada Shirou. He would stop the fire for ever happening, and he would strive to give Kiritsugu, Ilya, Rin and Sakura a chance at normal happiness. He would take on the burdens that Emiya Shirou would have had to take, and make things right.

Was it a mistake?

He didn't know. Perhaps he would come to regret this day himself. He couldn't know now. But at least, right now, his heart was at peace. He felt like a human again and not a killing machine made of steel. Because, Yamada Shirou was a happy, bright boy that would live a normal life. He didn't want to steal that away from him. He would strive to make things better for them every time he was summoned.

The heart of Heroic Spirit EMIYA might not change. He would 'receive' the book of this encounter, but that didn't meant he would 'read' it. Or that it would change him, even if he read it. Because, even if they were the same person, experiencing the events weren't the same thing as getting the information about it transmitted to his mind. But honestly, he didn't care. Here he had the chance to make things better for the people he loved, and that was enough for him.

With a smile like the ones from his young, EMIYA headed out of the park.


End file.
